Once in a while; when the world of crap that builds up inside gets to the boiling point, it’s necessary to vent the pressure less you explode. Lately I have been feeling the anxiety and depression more intensely again, which means it’s that time for me.
This past year has been a rather lousy one even by my standards. It began with me losing a job I (quite frankly hated, but still needed) where I had been employed four over thirteen years. I was able to get unemployment and then found another job fairly quickly. The second job seemed like it would be better for me. It was closer to my house, at the same pay, and I had benefits starting after a month. Things seemed like they were getting better for me, but less than a year later they let me go. They said it was because I wasn’t picking it up as quickly as they would have liked. Which is crap; yes I was making some mistakes here and there, but they never trained me properly to begin with, still I was getting it and would have had been a lot better had they let me continue. I was always punctual, and in fact early, and I did everything they asked of me.
The real rub was a couple of months before I lost the job, I had began to go through some health issues. I would later come to the conclusion that all my symptoms were most likely due to a pinched nerve in my back. Numbness in my hands, feet and partial numbness in my arms and legs, and weakness in my arms and legs. I also found my back to be an issue as well. I went through a bunch of tests and none of them showed any sign of what it could be. Needless to say, I really needed to keep the job and benefits to get better. That as I’ve said, did not happen. The good news is after about five months of being laid off and laid up. I’m back to about eighty percent of where I was. I guess being off and able to lay in bed and recuperate did help some.
However that was not the end of my downward spiral. The woman I had been sort of seeing for about four years; and I say sort of because it was a long distance relationship, she was poly-amorous and had been hurt a lot in the past so was not very trusting. The little I got to see her was lovely, but too short and too far in between visits. This took it’s tole on both of us and she took innocuous things the wrong way, and decided I was mean and told me she didn’t want to see me any more. Needless to say I was; and to some extent still am completely crushed. I mean here was this beautiful, talented and I thought caring woman; who meant so much to me breaking my heart. I have felt rejected for most of my life, but she was the first one to actually make me feel wanted. She was my first kiss, and first.. well other things, and I though FINALLY someone who doesn’t find me repulsive, maybe she is the one. Maybe she’s the reason I had to go through all the lonely nights and all the broken hearts. Up until that point I had accepted the facts of what I was; in short, someone that would never be loved and accepted. For a short time I thought maybe I was going to be able to be like everyone else, in that I could actually date. I now think it would have been better if she hadn’t shown me what it was like to be with someone. You never miss what you don’t know right? Part of the problem for me though was that she would always make up excuses as to why she couldn’t see me. Which brought back a whole lot of those buried insecurities, and when we did see each other we only got a couple of hours at a time. Which would have been enough if she hadn’t constantly found reasons not to see me, and didn’t blow up at me for stupid stuff, that wasn’t even true. Okay, I’m not experienced and maybe I didn’t always know what to say, but I was never intentionally mean, or sarcastic. I am now lonelier than I’ve ever been, and I don’t believe anyone will ever give me a chance again. I know it sounds like I’m just feeling sorry for myself of looking for sympathy, but I truly am not, as I state in the beginning I’m simply venting. Trying to get into a better frame of mind. Also this goes beyond simply feeling sorry for myself. Some people may know what it’s like to have these bouts with over whelming anxiety and sorrow. Depression is draining; physically, emotionally, spiritually.
Which brings me to my next round of crap. A dear old friend of mine actually ended his life at the end of last year, he was depressed and lonely and he didn’t feel like he could talk to anyone about it. He had contemplated suicide earlier that year, but was talked down by his girlfriend. After he got counseling he seemed better. He seemed to be happier, he gave up smoking and eating meat. And was in all accounts healthier, unfortunately though it was simply him putting on a brave face.
I have only ever truly wanted to find love and be happy. The problem with being a hopeless romantic, who is completely unattractive, is that you are doomed to live a life of being alone with your sorrow. Which in my mind means, my life is pointless.
I don’t want this to be one of those blogs that make it seem I’m going to “opt out” of life, like my friend did, because even though my life sucks, I firmly believe; unlike my friend, that life is too precious to end before it’s absolutely time. Where’s there’s life, there’s hope.. right? Still that does little to placate my low self esteem, anxiety, and; at times, crippling depression. I have some people I know care about me, and I both appreciate them and care for them, but I also can’t talk to them about this because they can’t understand, and the truth is, when it first hits me I’m not in a place to hear any words of encouragement. All I really need at that point is to vent, and time. Still that is only a temporary fix. It always comes back and sometimes it’s more intense, not always, but sometimes. I need to find a way out of this rut of loserness that I seem to find myself in. I daydream that one day something will go right for me and I’ll be successful in some way, and then the other things in my life will work themselves out, and I won’t have these bouts anymore. I know it’s a pipe dream, and nothing can change by daydreaming. The thing is, even if I do have some talent as a writer, my self esteem won’t let me believe I’m good enough that anyone would want to read what I write, then I that doubt causes writers block. I suppose besides venting, writing out my fears this way helps with the block too.
Perhaps I am too hard on myself and all the bad things that happen to me are due to me putting out negative energy. Maybe If I tried a bit harder to put out positive energy good things will start to happen. I can’t say for sure if that is true, nor can I say I’m even capable of really being positive. I am so used to putting on a brave face, I don’t know if I can really be positive anymore. If there is any higher power in the universe then perhaps if I do try, things will actually get better.
Okay then. I’m know there’s more to vent about, but the pressure is a bit lessened by this, and maybe after I post it’ll be completely gone for a time. Anyway cheers and thank you for getting through to the end.
Till next time. Take care and be well, gentle reader.