Venting helps

Once in a while; when the world of crap that builds up inside gets to the boiling point, it’s necessary to vent the pressure less you explode. Lately I have been feeling the anxiety and depression more intensely again, which means it’s that time for me.

This past year has been a rather lousy one even by my standards. It began with me losing a job I (quite frankly hated, but still needed) where I had been employed four over thirteen years. I was able to get unemployment and then found another job fairly quickly. The second job seemed like it would be better for me. It was closer to my house, at the same pay, and I had benefits starting after a month. Things seemed like they were getting better for me, but less than a year later they let me go. They said it was because I wasn’t picking it up as quickly as they would have liked. Which is crap; yes I was making some mistakes here and there, but they never trained me properly to begin with, still I was getting it and would have had been a lot better had they let me continue. I was always punctual, and in fact early, and I did everything they asked of me.

The real rub was a couple of months before I lost the job, I had began to go through some health issues. I would later come to the conclusion that all my symptoms were most likely due to a pinched nerve in my back. Numbness in my hands, feet and partial numbness in my arms and legs, and weakness in my arms and legs. I also found my back to be an issue as well. I went through a bunch of tests and none of them showed any sign of what it could be. Needless to say, I really needed to keep the job and benefits to get better. That as I’ve said, did not happen. The good news is after about five months of being laid off and laid up. I’m back to about eighty percent of where I was. I guess being off and able to lay in bed and recuperate did help some.

However that was not the end of my downward spiral. The woman I had been sort of seeing for about four years; and I say sort of because it was a long distance relationship, she was poly-amorous and had been hurt a lot in the past so was not very trusting. The little I got to see her was lovely, but too short and too far in between visits. This took it’s tole on both of us and she took innocuous things the wrong way, and decided I was mean and told me she didn’t want to see me any more. Needless to say I was; and to some extent still am completely crushed. I mean here was this beautiful, talented and I thought caring woman; who meant so much to me breaking my heart. I have felt rejected for most of my life, but she was the first one to actually make me feel wanted. She was my first kiss, and first.. well other things, and I though FINALLY someone who doesn’t find me repulsive, maybe she is the one. Maybe she’s the reason I had to go through all the lonely nights and all the broken hearts. Up until that point I had accepted the facts of what I was; in short, someone that would never be loved and accepted. For a short time I thought maybe I was going to be able to be like everyone else, in that I could actually date. I now think it would have been better if she hadn’t shown me what it was like to be with someone. You never miss what you don’t know right? Part of the problem for me though was that she would always make up excuses as to why she couldn’t see me. Which brought back a whole lot of those buried insecurities, and when we did see each other we only got a couple of hours at a time. Which would have been enough if she hadn’t constantly found reasons not to see me, and didn’t blow up at me for stupid stuff, that wasn’t even true. Okay, I’m not experienced and maybe I didn’t always know what to say, but I was never intentionally mean, or sarcastic. I am now lonelier than I’ve ever been, and I don’t believe anyone will ever give me a chance again. I know it sounds like I’m just feeling sorry for myself of looking for sympathy, but I truly am not, as I state in the beginning I’m simply venting. Trying to get into a better frame of mind. Also this goes beyond simply feeling sorry for myself. Some people may know what it’s like to have these bouts with over whelming anxiety and sorrow. Depression is draining; physically, emotionally, spiritually.

Which brings me to my next round of crap. A dear old friend of mine actually ended his life at the end of last year, he was depressed and lonely and he didn’t feel like he could talk to anyone about it. He had contemplated suicide earlier that year, but was talked down by his girlfriend. After he got counseling he seemed better. He seemed to be happier, he gave up smoking and eating meat. And was in all accounts healthier, unfortunately though it was simply him putting on a brave face.

I have only ever truly wanted to find love and be happy. The problem with being a hopeless romantic, who is completely unattractive, is that you are doomed to live a life of being alone with your sorrow. Which in my mind means, my life is pointless.

I don’t want this to be one of those blogs that make it seem I’m going to “opt out” of life, like my friend did, because even though my life sucks, I firmly believe; unlike my friend, that life is too precious to end before it’s absolutely time. Where’s there’s life, there’s hope.. right? Still that does little to placate my low self esteem, anxiety, and; at times, crippling depression. I have some people I know care about me, and I both appreciate them and care for them, but I also can’t talk to them about this because they can’t understand, and the truth is, when it first hits me I’m not in a place to hear any words of encouragement. All I really need at that point is to vent, and time. Still that is only a temporary fix. It always comes back and sometimes it’s more intense, not always, but sometimes. I need to find a way out of this rut of loserness that I seem to find myself in. I daydream that one day something will go right for me and I’ll be successful in some way, and then the other things in my life will work themselves out, and I won’t have these bouts anymore. I know it’s a pipe dream, and nothing can change by daydreaming. The thing is, even if I do have some talent as a writer, my self esteem won’t let me believe I’m good enough that anyone would want to read what I write, then I that doubt causes writers block. I suppose besides venting, writing out my fears this way helps with the block too.

Perhaps I am too hard on myself and all the bad things that happen to me are due to me putting out negative energy. Maybe If I tried a bit harder to put out positive energy good things will start to happen. I can’t say for sure if that is true, nor can I say I’m even capable of really being positive. I am so used to putting on a brave face, I don’t know if I can really be positive anymore. If there is any higher power in the universe then perhaps if I do try, things will actually get better.

Okay then. I’m know there’s more to vent about, but the pressure is a bit lessened by this, and maybe after I post it’ll be completely gone for a time. Anyway cheers and thank you for getting through to the end.

 

Till next time. Take care and be well, gentle reader.

 

Cheers

Ron

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Broken Dream

What once was bright now lays dark no future do I see

The pain is here to stay I think  and joy is gone from me

It came and went and before I knew what ever it was I had

From joy and thrills came tears and woe happy turned to sad

To go back and re-live those times could things find a way

To work out and be bright and good, or would they still decay

A dreamer dreamed his last good dream with no more to come again

How could anything bring back joy when there dreamers heart’s broken

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Venting/working through stuff

Life is frusterating, especially when one is constantly battleing depression. It can take a very small thing to send a person spiraling into an abyss of disspare with obvious way to avoid it. When we are young the world seems full of hope and possibilities, however the more you experience the less hopeful someone predisposed to depression becomes. When one is berated and bullied; treated like less of a person talked down to and made to feel as if they don’t matter for years it drains away all the positive self image that person inhearantly had, and it makes it harder to accept when good things happen, and impossible to believe there isn’t something bad coming. You question other peoples intentions and doubt not only them, but yourself as well. If someone says they like you and want to spend time with you, or that they find you attractive, funny, kind, clever or any number of other positive qualities thay may actually apply to you, the doubt and fear keep you from seeing that they are sincere. I mean how could anyone possible be able to see you in anyway other than how you precieve yourself? It can be overwhelming and self destructive and even though you know you should just let it go, you somehow can’t! It eats away at you and keeps you from enjoying any thing positive. Family, Friends, Potential love; all seem to be a fleeting moment of repreive from the usual darkness that emcompasses you. How does one simply let go of something that has defined them for many years? When you want to cry out for help, but know no one would or could understand how you feel; where do you turn? If you opened up and told anyone would they understand or would they think you were simply feeling sorry for yourself? It is an endless loop; Hell if you will. It stands to reason that though is seems like no one else could understand what you are going through, in this vast world of seven billion there is a good chance there is someone. An issue that arises however is the darkness that inhabits your every waking thought won’t allow you to believe it when you do come across someone who can understand and might even be able to help you work through the pain to find the light. And contrary to the theme of my rant, a part of me does hold on to a minutia of hope that the days of feeling unbelievably helpless can end. The pain and fear, the self doubt and hate; can be overcome. No matter how dismal the future may look, hope springs eternal.

 

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Pain Unknown

You’ll never know how much you hurt me; but then again

would you care

I opened my heart and let you in; that’s something I

never before dared

You made me think I was someone special

a person complete and whole

Not at all how I view myself; which is empty, lonely,

a darkened sadened soul

But now that hope has fadded: to my heart

the saddness seeps back in

An unyeild sense of depressed realization of being

the one who will never win

I know what a wise man would say; find worth

inside yourself

Depend on no ones approval; for you alone have that power

It lies with no one else

And though I have to admit; those words for most

are completely true

The years of self doubt I’ve suffered; make believing the worst

Is all I can seem to do

Maybe I’m over reacting; perhaps the slights

that I feel

Are all in my mind; and have no teeth, but the

bite to me seems real.

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I’m Ducky!

Okay, I’ve been single for my entire life; and that is not an exaggeration either, I have never had a girlfriend. I’m not sure if it’s my looks, my personality or what, but for some reason I can never seem to get out of the friends zone. It seems to me you have to become friends before anything else. The trick is, how the fuck do you get past that? I know attraction is a big part of it. No matter what you do if the person isn’t attracted to you they won’t see you as anything more than a “friend” now I’m not saying don’t be friends with someone just because you find them attractive, and they may not feel the same way. That would be cowardly. The truth is, you never know until you try! I’m saying if you get your hopes up and they don’t, or can’t feel the same way, then it’s going to be painful. Trust me I’m kind of an expert at that. So what is it that propels you from the friend zone into the boy/girlfriend zone? No really I would love to know. From what I can tell, it seems like an impossible task. The only thing I can come up with is to find someone you like as a person, because if you’re going on looks alone you deserve the friend zone. I’m won’t claim I don’t notice when a woman is attractive, it’s just not the only thing I consider. If she is lovely, but turns out to be a selfish, self centered type, then I won’t bother wasting my time crushing on her. Now I know we as human beings are wired a certain way. It’s in our coding to find the prime specimen of our species: Someone better looking, stronger, more athletic, even smarter, in order to produce better offspring. It’s true not everyone wants to have kids and propagate the species, but the need to find a better mate is there. From my own experience. I can say, being a nice guy who is reasonably intelligent doesn’t get you far unless you’re also at the very least cute. I’m not really as bitter as this blog may make me out; far from it. I’m a hopeless romantic. I feel that anyone should be able to find someone to connect with. I may be a day away from finding that myself, but I’ve come to realize that tempering hope with caution keeps you from getting too hurt. Because every day I see people who are in relationships, and some of them are unfortunately bad ones, but the majority are the kind I want to find. Here’s my last bit of sudo wisdom for this blog. If you have a “Ducky” in your life, and they can make you smile and are someone you can be yourself with; and they don’t go running for the hills. Why not give them a chance? On behalf of all the other Duckies out there you could do (and probably have done.) worse than to accept the love and affections from someone who will always be there for you. Okay Rant Over! 🙂

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My path to writing/ a bit of wisdom.

So I’ve been a “Writer” for a number of years now. Truth be told when I was a kid the last thing I expected to be was a writer! I had never had very good penmanship; for that matter I still don’t, nor was ever a very good speller. (but that’s what spell check and editors are for.) 🙂 Even so, I didn’t actually think I’d be any good at it anyway. I mean I was ALWAYS daydreaming of being any thing and EVERYTHING when I grew up, but I lacked the foresight to know what I was actually meant to be doing. It wasn’t until I hit high school and found that girls weren’t interested in me, that I started to think of other ways to obtain their affections. First with the odd joke, or friendly ear. Of course that didn’t help; even a teen know’s the “friend Zone” is no place to stay. So I did what I thought would UP my game a bit, and started to write “bad” poetry. And to no one’s surprise “save mine.” That didn’t work either. (high school girls are so freaking shallow.) 😛 Ever the romantic, I was undeterred and determined to find a way to win the heart of the one girl in the entire high school that I wanted to go out with. I decided to impress her by writing a book for her. She was indeed impressed when I pounded out the first 25 chapters of what I would call Star Crossed, in a single weekend. She thought it was brilliant, and I was walking on cloud nine. Because I believed (foolishly as it turned out, as she had a boyfriend.) that I had finally won her heart. The truth is, even though her shooting me down left me forlorn and broken. It didn’t really matter. I had found something that I was not entirely horrible at. Writing it seemed was the one thing that I might be able to excel at. Now I’m not saying I was (or am now for that matter.) the greatest writer of my age, or any other. I simply don’t have that big of an ego. I’m just saying that I found something I actually liked to do, and made me feel good. I of course worry that I may run out of ideas for stories (especially with my upcoming comic book series.) But I do have confidence in my ability to write people. I have said in a previous blog that there is one person to whom I attribute my confidence in my writing and that is true, but it’s also true that I have enjoyed writing since 9th grade. It’s just because of my friend that I thought I could make a go with doing it professionally. I was never one to join the crowd and do as others did. I’ve always been an outcast (not the cool kind, the trapped in there own head kind.) 😛 Where ever I went and what ever I did, I was never part of the events, I was mearly an observer. But my stories allowed me to be anything I wanted, do anything I wanted. I could fly a space ship, become a hero, find love… Anything is possible in fictional worlds and I found a way to them. A way to my own my “dare I say” (precious.) worlds. 😉 There are a lot of stories out there a lot of excellent writers; so why do I think I can do this? Simple, I feel, that if you’re passionate about something and it gives you joy, it shows in what you’re doing and that’s what people respond to, A dear (cherished.) 😉 friend showed me that. And I took it to heart. Even if I sometimes let other things in my head mess with that. I always come back to the simple enjoyment of seeing my imagination come to life in the written word…. Okay ramblings over. 😀

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My Dearest Friend:

I haven’t been active on here before now because I didn’t have any idea of what to say. A writer needs a voice, and I simply found myself mute. Last night I had a conversation with my dearest friend and it dawned on me that I never put into words before what her friendship meant to me. The truth is; even though I have people I’ve been friends with since childhood, I’ve never had anyone I had a genuine connection with. Until a few years ago. I went to a Bohemian Valentines Day event. I went there to support another friend; who again friends with no real connection; other than we liked each other and had a couple of things in common. The idea of the show was an alternative to all the usual commercialized Valentines day crap. It was a way for alternative creative people to express how they felt for that particular holiday. For the record, even though I don’t care for the commercialization of it. I think at it’s core it is a nice thought, but if you love someone you should show it all year round; (just sayin.)  I’m a romantic that way. There were some very creative and entertaining sets, there was music and poems, a naked painter (the friend I went to see.) and then there was the woman that would come to mean the world to me. I was taken immediately by her presence. She was clearly beautiful, but as she did her reading (an ode to the different types of F*&ing.) I realized how intelligent she was. And she seemed very self assured. So of course I was scared to say word one to her. I did however manage to send her a friend request on MS the next day and to my surprise she accepted. I got to read more from her and plucked up the nerve to actually tell her how much I liked her reading and everything I’d read of hers. She was so sweet in her response that I got past the hole I’m basically a half ork, talking to a beautiful woman self perception and just opened up. Until that point I hadn’t really ever opened up and talked with people I didn’t know. What can I say I’ve got self esteem issues and didn’t think anyone would want to talk to me even if I had anything interesting to say. The thing about her is, she and I talked like we’d always been friends. We geek out every time we talked. It was refreshing to not have to hide my interests. (this was before being a geek became cool.) We’d have some really great and in depth conversations about all manor of things. Books, movies, tv. etc…. That’s what sparked our connection, but in the years since I first plucked up the nerve we’ve become more than just geek buddies. We genuinely respect love and support each other.  That’s something I’d NEVER had before. Every time one of us has some new thing we’ve written the other is there to check it out, critique and give advice on. (mostly it’s her giving it to me.) I’m an okay writer, but she’s absolutely brilliant. And our friendship came to transcend writing as well. To the point were I feel we can discuss anything. I’ve opened up to her more than anyone in my life, including family. She understands and again is supportive. Like I said, I’m not good at being social, but she makes it much easier, and she’s actually got me out of my shell more with other people as well. The odd part about our friendship is until this year I’d never met her face to face. I saw her at the V-day thing but we hadn’t met. Finally this past summer we met up at a Ren Faire, I was so nervous, because I didn’t know what to expect. I mean you can be friends with someone online and when you meet it can fall flat… but as soon as she saw me she was so excited (no more than I was to be sure.) and she hugged me like we’d been face to face friends for years… It was actually probably the longest hug I’d ever received in my life. 🙂  I mention all of this because with out her in my life I’d probably been a shut in. Going to work taking only as much as necessary to do my job, then coming straight home to lose myself in my movies or tv and a large pizza, repeating everyday until the day I died from a massive coronary… With her in my life, I’m more apt to talk to people now, and more importantly I do actually have some confidence in my ability to write. For what ever reason she was brought into my life. She makes me feel like I’m actually worth something, and I’ll be eternally grateful. I don’t know if she even realizes how much she means to me. I’d do anything for her; and the funny thing is she’d never even have to ask. I never believed I could find a connection like the one we share. I’ve always wanted to fall in love and should I ever be so lucky; I hope the connection and love I share with that person is at least half of what I have with my dearest friend. Words seem inadequate compared to what I feel, but the best words I can use to show her how much she means are simply these… Thank you Devon, for being so amazing, caring and kind to an imperfect former future shut-in…. 

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